1. Respect Their Identity
Romero says that the first thing you can do is believe them. When they tell you they are becoming who they truly are, respect their identity as their truth.
“Trust the person who is transitioning. Believe that person. There are going to be a lot of people who do not,” says Romero, who is nonbinary.
You should also remember that experimenting — with names, pronouns, labels, and what gender looks like to that person — is part of the process.
“In no way should that be conflated with confusion. It's all a part of gender development,” says Dr. Votaw, who is a transgender woman. “If someone comes out as nonbinary, they may not be nonbinary forever. They may decide they are part of a larger gender transition process.”
Votaw points out that this experimentation is something trans and nonbinary people often don’t get to do in their youth, when most people learn to experiment with who they are.
“Believe them with the understanding that it is a process for people,” she says.
2. Learn About the Trans Community
If you don’t know where to turn first, Romero suggests that people reach out to education-focused LGBTQ+ organizations such as the Pride Foundation. Romero also recommends looking through the Digital Transgender Archive for historical information and resources on transgender folks.
There is a lot to learn about the history, culture, psychology, and human rights issues related to transgender identity. One important aspect of gender identity to understand at the start is that gender transitioning is different for every person. There are no hard and fast rules — it’s about what this means to each individual.
According to Planned Parenthood, transitioning can include social, physical, legal, and internal changes, or any combination of these. One person’s transition may include a name change or gender-affirming pronouns, while another person may choose to undergo gender-affirming surgery — which also looks different for everyone. While many people who are transgender find that physically transitioning is an important part of their experience with gender dysmorphia, this is not a part of everyone’s process.
3. Decide What Kind of Support You’re Willing to Offer
Your role as the friend of a person transitioning may be decided by that person, but there are some considerations you need to contemplate yourself, Romero says.
According to legislation tracked by the Equity Federation as of May 2023, 18 states have banned gender-affirming care in some way. While most laws only apply to minors (those under 18 years old), some states either already have laws in place or are proposing laws that would prohibit gender-affirming care in adults. Kansas, South Carolina, Oklahoma, and Texas have proposed bills that would ban care for people under 21. Texas has another proposed ban that would extend to people under age 26. Lawmakers in Indiana, Kentucky, Missouri, and Oklahoma have introduced bills that not only prohibit the use of state funds to pay for gender-affirming medical care but also bar insurers from offering coverage.
Romero notes that people who live in states like these may need to cross state lines to get care. Even then, getting gender-affirming care can be a legal minefield, especially as new laws are being proposed.
Romero says to ask whether you are willing to drive your friend to another state to support their physical transition. Are you willing to donate money or meet with legislators?
Recognize that especially if you are a cisgender person (meaning you identify as the gender you were assigned at birth), you may not be able to support your friend in the ways they need, and you may need to give that person space to integrate into a new community.
“Being able to meet other queer and trans folks was pivotal to my transition,” says Romero.
But reflecting on how you can and are willing to lend your support applies to everyone, they add.
“Getting prepared for joy as well as struggle is going to be a part of it for any ally in any of this,” Romero says. “Even if you are of the same gender identity, there is still the need to do some internal capacity checks.”
For cisgender friends, Votaw says to simply treat your friend as the gender they identify as.
“When you are being overly inclusive or overly supportive, it can come off as patronizing,” she says. “It’s about starting to treat the person as the gender they are telling you they’ve always been that is so powerful.”
4. Don’t Over Apologize if You Make a Mistake
Each person has their own preference for how they’d like to transition socially, which includes that person’s name and pronouns. Ask — never assume — what they’d like to be called. Then do your best to incorporate those choices into your vocabulary.
If you misgender or deadname someone — meaning you call that person by the name they used to go by but no longer do — your first impulse may be to apologize profusely. While it’s important to recognize your mistake, making a big deal of it will likely make it worse.
Understand that it happens to everyone. “Trans people misgender other trans people all the time,” Romero says.
Be sensitive, acknowledge your mistake, move on, and work to adopt the person’s true name and pronouns into your language.
“It’s similar to learning another language. A lot of times, as long as you’re trying, as long as people can see you’re putting in a good effort and doing it for the right reasons, it is fine,” says Romero.
5. Drive Change
Supporting a friend who is transitioning often doesn’t just involve being there for that person one on one. It can also take the form of working to create a safe, supportive environment for queer and transgender people.
This will depend on where you live and who you are, but driving change should start by looking at your own life and beliefs.
“What’s important, more than external advocacy on behalf of whatever counterpart they came out to, is a period of reflection of what you do that might be harming the trans or gender nonbinary community,” Votaw says. “Start to look into your own life and look at what is not in harmony with being a supporter or family member or friend or even coworker.”
This could include political party affiliations or beliefs about queer people, she says. Becoming an outspoken activist isn’t always part of a person’s support, and that’s okay, she adds.
“That can be very daunting for a cisgender friend or family. Just because they now know a transgender and nonbinary person, that doesn’t mean they have to go out and wave flags,” says Votaw.
If you decide that becoming an activist is how you’d like to help, you can approach it from a number of ways. It could be fighting legislation that includes bans on transgender rights, medical care, and visibility by calling elected officials or speaking up at community or school board meetings. Or make a point to introduce yourself to new people using both your name and your preferred pronouns, to give people a chance to tell you their pronouns as well as integrate the practice into your community. It could also be coordinating with your employer’s human resources department to bring in someone who can initiate queer-focused training for the workplace.
Whatever it is, “Engage with cultural work,” says Romero.
