On a recent day, I was feeling odd, with a “gurgly” throat that felt bizarre and was nothing I had ever experienced before.
It was soon determined that I was running a fever of 103 degrees F! At that point I was cognitively compromised and feeling quite ill.
Just to let you know, my high priority in the moment was for somebody to wash my hair. Clearly, I was not in my right mind. A friend took the opportunity to give me a dressing down on how important other persons’ safety was, not washing my hair.
I intellectually understood this fact. But at the time, I could barely see straight with the fever.
That same friend continued her campaign of rectifying everything I was not seeing correctly. She told me that I wasn’t appreciating all the help that David, my care partner, was providing and told me I had no right to complain about anything, not even if he hurt me with his transfers. (I use a wheelchair, and transferring between the chair and my bed, the toilet, and other locations can be complicated.)
I often wonder why caregivers don’t see that voicing the obvious can be hurtful. By the way, all this took me about two days to process. I could not take it all in then and there.
Suddenly Alone and Feeling Helpless
There was so much commotion going on around me as my fever spiked that David finally made an appointment at the clinic. It turned out I had pneumonia, which sort of explains the gurgling that turned into a cough, and I also had COVID.
All this time I thought the isolation I usually experience was lonely, but having COVID is ostracizing! All my CNAs (certified nursing assistants) left without really communicating their intentions with me. So in effect, the people I saw on a regular basis just disappeared.
I don’t mean to complain, but I no longer had my all-important schedule. Talk about feeling helpless! I had been yelled at and made to feel as though everything was my fault, and my friends and aides were trying to tell me that they had lives, too.
My world as I knew it had stopped.
As COVID Recedes, Helpers Return
I continue to take COVID tests, praying for a negative result, but because I am immunocompromised, it takes a long time to heal.
Nonetheless, I do believe my world is slowly coming back together one person at a time. My speech therapist knows the effects of COVID on speech, as well as the fact that immunocompromised persons tend to be COVID carriers for as long as six months. So she will take all necessary precautions to stay safe. But I never felt abandoned by my speech therapist, for which I thanked her.
I feel I am personally in a strange dilemma, sorting through my feelings about the helpers who left. I tell myself to just let go of questioning who is my friend and who isn’t. All of these folks are workers; they might have my best interests at heart, or maybe not.
I am aware that sickness put me in a place where I couldn’t judge the situation. So I just need to use these folks accordingly. I will not bring friendship into this.
Finally, a Negative Test
I took one more COVID test and the result was a resounding negative! Thank goodness for that! I feel strong for now, but as always, we’ll see how I feel later.
I learned a great deal from this experience, mostly about myself. MS and fevers are a bad combination. It is best to not say or do anything until cooler minds and bodies prevail.
