An Open Letter to My Wife on Our Anniversary

Last year the National Psoriasis Foundation (NPF) invited my wife, Lori, and me to participate in a podcast, Our Tips for Managing Psoriasis and Life Together. As we looked back on 30 years together, I felt grateful for her partnership on my psoriasis journey.

This year for our anniversary I wrote a letter to Lori to express to her directly how much I appreciate her. She agreed to share the letter here.

My Letter to Lori

Lori, I can’t believe we are celebrating our 31st anniversary this August. It seems like yesterday we started dating in our last year of college. Back then, we wrote letters to each other (remember the one you left on my car windshield?); now we send quick texts. This year I want to write to you once again to express how much I appreciate you.

Acceptance is the greatest gift you gave me right from the beginning. That first date at the pie shop near campus, I felt comfortable enough to reveal to you my struggles with psoriasis. You wondered why I wore long sleeves and pants on hot summer days, but you didn’t judge me. You helped me (very) slowly become more comfortable showing my skin in public.

It did take you some time to realize that psoriasis is not just a “rash.” Those treatments I took as a young adult could have damaged my liver and other organs. I’ll never forget when you volunteered to drive me back from a liver biopsy at the hospital in the city. You felt confused about why I needed a biopsy for a skin condition.

Even so, I hoped my chronic health issues wouldn’t impact our lives together that much. I was wrong.

It wasn’t our plan, but Lydia came much sooner than we expected (10 months after our wedding!). I haven’t thanked you enough for teaching middle school students while I went to graduate school and stayed home with our daughter. The two of us had adventures walking to Costco and driving an hour away to see my dermatologist while you taught English.

With each of your next two pregnancies, my dermatologist adjusted my psoriasis medications to minimize any impact they might have on our children. Your spina bifida added to the health concerns for the kids. We managed the real anxiety of them having a disability or psoriasis. So far, isn’t it a relief they’ve been physically healthy as adults!

My job periodically took me to faraway places like South Africa, Asia, or around the United States. You worried about my skin on those trips, even as you took the burden of caring for the kids by yourself. Of course, the trip that I wish I could’ve taken with you — to the Panama Canal — I ended up taking with Lydia instead.

Sigh. That was the absolutely hardest time with my psoriasis. You stood by me day after day for over two years as treatments failed and my psoriasis grew more severe. You watched me go through that horrible ultraviolet light burn that took over a month for me to recover from. It’s hard for me to watch you go through difficulties; I can only imagine how challenging it was for you to watch me grow despondent and depressed.

When my parents offered to have Lydia and me join them on the Panama Canal cruise to get my mind off psoriasis, you encouraged me to go. The new treatment and wonderful tropical weather did bring some relief from that flare. You willingly sacrificed going on a trip of a lifetime to stay home to care for Tim and Aleta. I’m glad that we can travel together now, with Tim staying home to take care of the pets! Life has a way of coming around full circle.

Now I’m on my sixth biologic for psoriasis, and you’ve traveled on that treatment journey with me from day one. (Isn’t it amazing how well I’ve done on Skyrizi for almost six years now?) I stared at that syringe for what felt like hours before giving myself an injection for the first time. Even though you didn’t want to inject me yourself, you pushed me to “just do it.” I always feel safer knowing you are nearby when I self-inject my biologic.

In more recent times you’ve partnered with me in my writing and patient advocacy. I brag to friends about how you’ve read and edited every word I’ve written. I don’t think that’s an exaggeration. You’ve joined me at NPF events, including advocacy day in Sacramento. Your voice mattered as you spoke passionately about the impact psoriasis has had on me and the family to legislators at the Capitol.

We dreamed of growing old together, and now we’re quite a bit older. I regret not saying, “I love you” more (even though you know I do) and how much psoriasis has affected my mood over the years. I won’t be able to make it up in whatever time we have left, but I hope this letter lets you know how much I look forward to trying.

Happy Anniversary! Thanks for a lifetime of memories (so far).

Love,

Howard